It would be so cool to have friends here, in this distant country. Especially to have you, my friends here. You, with whom I spent wonderful years in the high school; you, whom I got to know at the college in Bratislava; you, who were always besides me in the trouble. All of you, with whom I tried, and sometimes even got, to untie the difficult knots of life; with whom I laughed, cried, wheeped, travelled, studied, stressed, chat, cooked, "beer-ed" and to whom I dared to speak and unlock myself heart-to-heart.
It would be so cool to have you here with me now. We would have fun :) Laying on the beach, stressing over the upcoming essay on Illiad, enjoying the delicious "american meals", standing shoulder-to-shoulder against the "whole world".
These thoughts popped up in my head on today's mass. However, the very next thought was that you won't be here, but me alone. And I won't have such awesome friends here as you are, since I cannot give to anyone that much as I gave you in the past 4-6-8 years, and no one can give me that much as you gave. (However, this does not mean that I completely exclude the possibility of a cordial friendship.)
I also realized that being on my own now has its purpose as well. As Kinga said on our parting: "At least you won't have to adjust yourself to anyone. You can do as you please." True. I'm the one who's in charge for when, how, where, what. Completely independent - at least to some extent; my class schedule is fixed and I cannot miss any of them. But still...you know what I mean? I am here to be free, to make my choices freely; not to be dependent on anybody but to learn how to stand firm on my two chubby-clumpy feet in this world. I'm here to feel, experience, and learn that no man can be the source of my happiness; no man can hide with his love my shortcomings; no man can save me from myself; but only God. Only God can fill me with the grace of happiness; He, who died for me on the cross, can help me to overcome the sufferings -be it loneliness, homesickness, any offence from other humans, anything.
It sounds so dramatically, but don't take it wrong. This does not mean I don't have to do anything, that all my troubles can be piled on God and than wait, hands crossed, for Him to take care of it. I do have to use my skills and to rely on myself and do my best in any situation -let it be school, making new friends, finding a job, or simply be fine and enjoy the life I got from Him.
God is the one who holds me in His hands and cares about me wherever I go, wherever I'll be. And this is a biggest thing to experience, bigger than me, bigger than anything, though I tend to forget it.
