I'll start right away to drop the things that bother me uselessly.

I don't wanna bother with my weight and outlook anymore. I just don't. Futile, wasting time and energy. It's eating up my appetite for life. Whenever I look into the mirror and I see my tummy, it freaks me out, and makes me think I'm fat and ugly. It makes me uncomfortable with myself. I don't need that. There's a whole lot of other things in life that make me uncomfortable. So why do I make it even more difficult to myself?

Do you remember this post? I didn't. (Check point No. 1. For those, who can't understand Hungarian: "1. As always I swear to myself, again, that I'm gonna lose that 10kg what's on me. But now I have a very good motivation as well. If I can do it, I'll go skydiving during the summer. If not, I'm NOT gonna bother with this ongoing, everlasting question about my weight. So you'll have to love me like this further on.) Guess what. I did not make it. And I did not go skydiving. But I did worry still. Why? Dunno. The model images this world offers? 'Cos I felt heavy and unhealthy? 'Cos the guys still don't turn around after me? 'Cos I can't wear short shorts?

Because I don't like myself.

It's paradoxical, isn't it? I don't like myself that's why I'm eating too much junk (and sometimes because it actually tastes good), what actually hurts me more. But if I liked myself I would have done and eat what is actually healthy and good for me, wouldn't I? 

I'm determined to change this. Wanna join me? :) Please, do love yourself! If you don't, how and why do you expect others to love you? (Moreover, God loves you anyway. Chubby or thin. He created you. :))

From now on, whenever I look into the mirror and see my tummy, I'm gonna greet her with a smile :)

I can't wait. To see you. I can't wait to grow up to be a true, whole person. I can't wait to I get out from my hermitage. (And that's an allusion to Melville's Bartleby, the Scrivener.) I can't wait till I'm strong enough to bear all the burdens of my life alone, with a smile. I can't wait to be slim enough to fit into my old green pants. I can't wait until someone finally gives me a hug and tells me I'm truly his/her friend. I can't wait to learn Spanish and speak it fluently. I couldn't wait for this moment, when I'm finally writing a post fluently in English.

After re-reading it seems I waste a whole lot of time waiting. Waiting for something. Or someone. Instead of... I don't know. What should I do instead?

Should I just go out and live. It's that simple. And to Love. And to Pray. And not to worry all the time. Worry about school. About others' esteem. About my future. And not to wheep about my loneliness ceaselessly. Because I do. And it's futile. No one hears it. Neither I enjoy it. But it felt I have nothing else. No other feeling, except for homesickness, disappointment, sadness, depravity sometimes. It took me over. I want it to be over. I want it really badly.

Why don't I just let it go and let it happen? Enjoyment instead of worry. (And I bet a lot of the fellows here misunderstood my disposition to worry and took it for to contempt.) The misconception's in my head.